Divorce in Asian societies

In the UK there are approximately 7.5 divorces per 1000 marriages, however in India the divorce rate is less than 1 per 1000  marriages. 

• What do you think the reason for that is? 
• Is it more stable marriages in India? 
• Is it due to the lack of courage and the stigma of society? 
• Are these low figures indicating women who are stuck in a false marriage? 

According to the Asian society it is believed that the girl has to be under the control of the father during childhood; then under her husband’s control when she is married; and when her husband passes away, under the control of her sons or the in-laws. 

You would think we would have come a long way from all this, but we still have families following all the above. So how does an Asian divorced woman supposed to live in this society where divorce is a cultural stigma for the family?  

The family would rather the daughter suffer in silence then get divorced.  Quite a few parents are aware of the daughter’s plight but perceive the cultural stigma higher than their own daughter. Oh and believe it or not if you were divorced and had children, for a single Asian man to even consider marrying you would be questionable and rare. 

A divorced woman is also seen as flawed; if she is unable to get along with the husband and in-laws. For her to find a future partner is going to be difficult as she is already perceived to be a failure, a woman who didn’t try to hold the family together. People still say, ‘Oh we won’t mix with them, because the daughter is a divorcee’. If your future is already predicted 

with the cultural norms, how could you contemplate divorce as you know life is going to be 

pretty hard once you do, should this be a reason to stop you getting divorced and living a happier life? 

Is it important to not follow the cultural ‘norms’ and seek appropriate guidance and support to make you strong both mentally and emotionally? 

Case study Amrita: Married a loving and caring husband, however, over the following years she realised he was controlling and an alcoholic.  She put her heart into support and caring for him, but eventually she couldn’t handle the fact that he was draining the finances instead of supporting the family, there were children involved too. 

Should she have stayed, or does she say this is enough, I am getting Divorced? She is now divorced, financially stable and the children are happy and healthy.

Case study Pooja: Happily married for a  few years, and I guess it was the thought of being happy that over a period of time she puts on a little bit of weight. She now is constantly called fat, and gets told that her parents didn’t teach her any manners, and that she is stupid and un-intelligent. Should she live the rest of her life, under this verbal abuse, or think that if she divorces people will label her the same and struggle to find a partner. 

No, she divorced, people respect her for  being a strong woman and is now living a life of freedom, equality and loving every  moment. Case study Darshna: Married and in-love.  She moves to this country away from her birth family and settles. Later she finds that she is verbally abused on a daily basis, her husband takes all her money, he controls everything she does,  where she goes, who she sees and more. 

Should she stay in a so-called marriage where she is treated as a slave with no freedom or sense of dignity? She finds the courage and support network, she finally divorces and now she has her independence back, free to make  choices for her own life. 

What do these women all have in common:

They were undermined by the social stigma, they struggled due to family values and abusive situations. 

The community’s disapproval of single parenthood means that divorcees frequently find themselves outside the tight-knit community and  family structures. 

If you are of Asian  origin and experiencing marriage difficulties and wish to know more about your options do not  hesitate to contact me, I will try and support you and give you clarity regarding the choice you have. 

Tips for divorce in an  Asian Society:

• Work with your emotions, be honest and truthful to yourself – remember you are living your life not someone else. 
• People and society will talk about anything  and everything, so whether you get divorced or not, they will still talk. 
• Think logically,  without your emotions. Divorce is about negotiation, providing an amicable solution. 
• Children, you love your children, so please do not get them involved or use them as  weapons. 
• Writing, make sure everything is done in  writing. 
• Reactions, it will be a reactive time for you,  please allow some grace, after all you are a loving woman, a graceful lady not a reactive monster. 
• Create a support structure, not with people  that are blaming either one of you, but people that are genuinely supporting and caring, the ones that really want the best outcome for you, the wife, the husband and the  children. 
• Believe, believe in yourself, you made a child or maybe more…you are more capable  than you think.